


The Star Wars Valentine Fiasco (Aka glow in the dark condoms are great for pretend lightsaber dick fights)

by serendipityxxi



Category: Haven (TV)
Genre: Birthday, Blowjobs, Come to the darkside we give great head, Crack, F/M, International Fanworks Day 2016, M/M, Multi, Star Wars - Freeform, Valentines, glow in the dark condoms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-20 11:41:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6004636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serendipityxxi/pseuds/serendipityxxi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nathan discovers Star Wars Valentines cards are a thing. It all goes down hill from there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Star Wars Valentine Fiasco (Aka glow in the dark condoms are great for pretend lightsaber dick fights)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BirdyMarie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BirdyMarie/gifts), [Kedreeva](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kedreeva/gifts).



> This crackfic is almost 100% Kedreeva and BirdyMarie' fault. I haven't even seen all the Star Wars movies! 
> 
> All Valentines and Star Wars products mentioned herein are not mine, I found them on the internet. Star Wars fandom your nerdery is v. impressive!

Audrey has to admit it’s kind of her fault. She did start it. She picked Lizzie up from school on Valentines day for Dwight and some kid in Lizzie’s class had given out cheesy Star Wars valentines. The one Lizzie handed her said “Yoda one for me” and had clearly had the candy ripped off. The one Lizzie kept for Dwight said “I Chews You” with a picture of Chewbacca on it. Audrey had laughed, touched that she got presents like these now. 

She’d given her now third hand valentine to Nathan when she returned to their office. Nathan had chuckled, surprised and pleased, the tips of his ears turning red making Audrey’s grin turn fond, her eyes going soft. Nathan in turn presented it to Duke who also laughed and smiled fondly at Nathan and said...something in a disturbingly accurate Yoda voice that Audrey couldn’t catch but that seemed to amuse Nathan greatly. 

Things went downhill from there. 

Star Wars valentines are a thing, apparently. Nathan prints off the most ridiculous ones and leaves them in odd places for them to find. 

“I want to be the droid you’re looking for”, turns up in Duke’s tea stash. 

Audrey finds “You hold the wook-key to my heart” on top of the stack of paperwork she has been neglecting on her desk one morning. A not so subtle reminder from her chief apparently. She bets Garland never showed his officers affection like this. 

On and on it goes, well into March.

“You R2 good to me.”

“There’s a bounty on your heart and I mean to collect.”

“Our love will endor.” (Nathan has to explain this one to Audrey because what?)

“Your force awakens my heart.”

Duke retaliates in true Duke fashion. He looks at the cutsie fun notes Nathan’s been leaving and amps them right into dirty. 

“Tonight this Han doesn’t wanna fly solo” appears on the dashboard of Nathan’s truck. 

In April Nathan gets a picture message on his phone of Duke, pouting at the camera in Nathan’s brown bathrobe with the caption, “Do you have a little Jedi in you? No? Would you like to?” in the middle of a meeting with the town council. 

Audrey finds a valentine that reads “Obi-Wan Ken Bone Me” in place of her regular bookmark. She laughs and laughs and laughs.

Audrey and Duke are out on a shopping trip in June when they find the shirt that reads “Jedi in the streets, Sith in the sheets” t shirt that they promptly buy for Nathan. He wears it around the house without shame. 

In August Nathan orders Star Wars underwear off the internet for Duke. They come three to a pack. There’s one that says “Do it for the Wookie”, one that has a red light saber on one leg and a blue lightsaber on the other and the third reads “I love you Sith much”. Audrey makes Duke wear the “I love you Sith much” pair. Duke buys her “Let’s make wookie” panties in retaliation. 

====

Their odd Star Wars themed courtship ritual full of bad puns reaches its peak in December. The new movie is due out on the seventeenth. Nathan’s birthday falls four days before that. Duke gets him three tickets to the midnight showing of Episode Seven and a vintage Han Solo lunchbox to replace the one he allegedly stole in third grade. Audrey buys him two truly hideous Star Wars themed ugly Christmas sweaters but is a little stumped as to what else to get him. Something obnoxious and funny, to make his eyes light up and the tips of his ears turn red, so he smiles one of those rare true Nathan smiles that make her want to wrap him up and take him home with her. (It’s a good thing she does that anyway)

Audrey’s dashed into the drugstore on the way home in hopes of finding more candy to add to her present and is wandering the rest of the aisles aimlessly when she spots it. The box of glow in the dark condoms proudly proclaims an assortment of colors. She flips to the back and yes, they do indeed come in blue and red. It’s a good thing no one can see Audrey’s grin at this point in time, it is full of pure delighted mischief.

====

Nathan’s surprise party at the Gull goes off much better than Audrey’s first surprise birthday party did way back when. No one tries to steal anyone’s skin so that automatically puts it head and shoulders above that party. Nathan does indeed get drunk and dance with everyone including Laverne. Audrey’s pretty sure Laverne will never let him live it down.

Audrey and Duke save their presents for afterward. They help a still partially soused Nathan up the stairs to the reconstructed apartment above the Gull. Audrey’s never really lived in the new place but Duke had it furnished and they have it for late nights like this one. They are happy and handsy as they make their way up the stairs. Nathan gooses Duke at the top of the stairs making Duke hop forward at least three feet, setting Audrey and Nathan to giggling like kids. They lean on each other heavily as Duke unlocks the door and ushers them in. “Your hair is so soft,” Nathan rambles making Audrey giggle and that sets Nathan to laughing again. Audrey can feel Nathan’s chuckles as well as hear them, they make her feel warm. Duke smiles softly at his people and shakes his head as Audrey dumps Nathan onto the bed. What a light weight.

“Presents!” Audrey claps her hands and goes to fish them out of the top of the piano while Nathan is too busy closing his eyes - and probably hoping the room stops spinning - to focus on her hiding place. Duke helped her hide them there earlier so it’s okay if he sees. Audrey has much better hiding places at their place anyway. It makes her happy to think the only reasons she uses them lately are for things like this. 

Nathan is unfortunately one of those annoying people who pries the tape off the present like it’s a bomb and if he rips the paper it’ll detonate leaving him with no present just snatches of brightly patterned wrapping and ribbon. Audrey has to wait an extra fifteen minutes for him to finally get to the last present, small and neatly wrapped in of course Star Wars themed paper. Finally, finally(!) he pulls out the box of condoms and a befuddled look comes over his face.

“But we don’t usu...I mean you’re on the…” Audrey lets him stutter a few more moments enjoying the red flush spreading across his cheekbones.

“Nathan,” she says, interrupting him at last, “they glow in the dark. What do you think that’ll look like?” she asks.

Nathan looks incredibly pained, as if he’s biting back the most obvious answer.

Duke however gets it. He snorts with laughter and snatches the pack out of Nathan’s hands. 

“I get the red one,” he declares.

Nathan’s head comes up, eyes widening a little. When he reaches out for the pack again his grin is small and goofy as he asks “What if I wanted the red one?”

Duke rolls his eyes and easily keeps the box out of his clumsy reach. “Please, young Skywalker, as if you could have a saber of another color.” 

Nathan chuckles and blushes some more.

Audrey lets out a peal of laughter and claps her hands. 

The boys have a quick, whispered discussion and disappear into the bathroom. 

They’re in there for a while. 

“No fair!” Audrey complains. “I should get to watch.” 

“They have to charge!” Nathan explains through the door. Audrey rolls her eyes and flops back on the bed, toeing off her shoes and squirming out of her jeans in the meantime. 

Finally Duke hollers for Audrey to “Turn out the lights!” and then the Star Wars theme begins on someone’s phone, soft and tinny but definitely there.

Duke backs into the room first, just visible in the lights from the Gull’s parking lot. He makes his own lightsaber noises as he turns to face her and whips his glowing, red... lightsaber around. Audrey cannot stifle her laughter, does not even attempt to try when Nathan leaps out of the bathroom his erection encased in the glowing blue condom. 

Nathan and Duke bow to Audrey and then square off. 

“What are you do…” she doesn’t get a chance to finish her sentence.

Audrey stares, mouth falling open in shock as her boys - and she guesses in this case she really has to say boys - engage in a mock lightsaber battle. She howls with laughter as they “schwoom” and “zwoosh” their way around the apartment, clambering over the dining room chairs, they “vroosh” and “nyoom” battle on top of the couch.

Duke throws in an “en garde!” at one point. 

“Wrong movie!” Audrey heckles from the bed. 

Finally Duke gets Nathan pinned against the wall, their glowing red and blue cocks pressed together in a loose approximation of crossed swords. Duke growls “Come to the dark side, we give great head,” at Nathan and they all three go very still for a second and then they all crack up. Nathan drops his forehead into Duke’s shoulder so the only clear parts of him are his hair silhouetted in the white parking lot lights and his glowing blue dick which is obscured by the shadows of Duke’s fingers after a moment.

“I bet we can get him to come for the dark side,” Audrey teases as she crawls off the bed to join them.

She and Duke go to their knees before the birthday boy, their fingers moving in tandem, covering up the blue glow in stripes. Duke moves to roll the condom off of Nathan but Nathan grabs his hand.

“Wait, I…” 

Audrey looks up and sees the way he’s staring at where the darkness covers his glowing erection and grins. She drags her hand down and closes her fist around the tip so it disappears into the dark. Nathan’s mouth falls open in a round little ‘o’ that makes her grin. Duke catches on then sliding his fist slowly up and down, so that different sections of blue disappear into the dark. Audrey knows the sensation is muted but Nathan’s breath goes sharp and shallow anyway. 

Audrey and Duke manhandle Nathan onto the bed until he’s sprawled on his back with a pillow under his head so he has a great view of his electric blue erection disappearing as Audrey sinks down onto him. They all three hiss when she reaches the hilt. It doesn’t take long before Nathan is trembling and shouting and coming for the dark side as promised.

Audrey and Duke stroke and kiss Nathan until he gets his breath back enough to pant out “Always knew,” he rasps out, threading his fingers through Duke’s necklaces, “the dark side is all talk. Got no head, none,” he mock complains startling both Audrey and Duke into laughter.

=====

They go to the midnight showing of Episode Seven three days later in costume though Audrey and Duke mostly wear the costumes so Nathan won’t feel silly on his own. Audrey goes as Han, Nathan as Obi Wan (he grew his own beard, thank you very much) and Duke sports some wicked Yoda ears. Audrey and Duke spent the last three days making lightsaber noises at Nathan and watching him blush so it’s probably going to be an interesting movie going experience. 

But the minute the lights go down in the theater all thoughts of mischief go right out of their heads as they get sucked into a galaxy far, far away. 

They spend the three days after the movie giving Nathan sympathy blow jobs because of what happened in the movie.

**Author's Note:**

> Duke's valentines [are mostly from here](http://missmeeya.tumblr.com/post/138932321790/i-thefandommenace-i-some-kenobi-valentines%22)
> 
> Most of Nathan's valentines [are from here](http://katiecandraw.tumblr.com/post/139296054400/enjoy-some-star-wars-valentines-i-did-for)
> 
> Star Wars Boxers
> 
>  
> 
>   
>   
> 
> 
>  
> 
> Audrey's Star Wars panties  
> 


End file.
